I'm not going to say that nothing has happened with me lately because that would not be true. There is always something happening whether I choose to acknowledge it or not. Recently I have had look at myself a lot and have been coming away not fully satisfied. I have been in a lot of unreality lately with everything. I have not been taking responsibility for my actions. Instead whenever someone says that I did something wrong (again), I just blow them off by saying, "well, everybody has problems". I've been thinking a lot about myself and what would make my world just wonderful instead of trying to make everyone else's world the best. I've tried to get a job and fulfill my needs first, but God has stepped in the way every time. It makes me mad when I look at my friends and see how their lives seem so amazing with their jobs and everything they have. I've tried to push past God to get my way but, thank God, He hasn't let me. He has been trying to tell me something but I haven't been listening for His voice so it gets lost in with my daily hectic routine of selfishness. I think finally I've caught a glimpse of what He's been trying to say. I have been reading some George MacDonald books lately and there was something in there that made me really stop and think. I can't remember what I read, but I do know that I came away with something. I have been asking God to help me do what I want to do and getting frustrated when He doesn't do what I ask of Him. Meanwhile, God has been asking me to do somethings and I'm sure getting frustrated because I haven't been doing anything He's been asking me to do. Why in the world do I expect God to do something for me when I'm not doing anything for Him? It probably seems like such a simple little thing to you, but it hit me hard! I have been so stuck up in my own little world that I have had no time for God, unless, of course, I have something I need to pray for! Me and my selfish little self. I haven't been able to see the needs around me. God said that we are to take care of everyone around us and not worry about our needs because someone else will take care of them.
I've been thinking also about the time I got baptized. I haven't taken it seriously. When I got baptized, my life died, and Christ's began in me. My life is not my own anymore! I am a tool in the hand of the Father. Wow! That's just awesome!! Think about it. Christ living inside of you, being able to use you to bring more people to Him and to do His will! I am finally excited about this Life and I don't want to keep it for myself anymore. God has given me an incredible opportunity to be with some of His people who are hungry for Him, just like me. There are two girls my age, one who is 17 and the other, 18. Both are quiet and caught up in themselves. I know how that is. I am still, everyday, struggling to get out of myself and see others. I may not have everything for them, but obviously God thinks I have something or else they wouldn't be in my path. Maybe it's just a little encouragement or a friend. Both girls are very lonely with like no friends. Maybe I can be that one for them! I don't want to pass up this opportunity to do God's will. I don't want Him to turn to someone else to do it because I was just too caught up in self.
All this is still a working process and will always be. I need everyone to be with me. I know I'm not the most friendliest person to be around or the most happy at that, but I want all that to change. I want people to go away from me happier than when they came to me. I want my life to be His to do with as He wants. I know I have hurt some people, my friends especially, and I am so sorry! I haven't had time to see them. I want my life to be given to everyone around me. The Messengers get together every Thursday night to talk about God. I want to be an asset to that meeting instead of a hindrance.
